Taking (Another) Break.

I’ve been on the same dating website on and off for about six years now. I’ve been on my fair share of dates, but nothing’s ever amounted from them. I got pressured into giving a guy a handjob when I was 18, and that’s really the highlight.

Which is pretty sad.

Then came tinder. I’m pretty sure, if my memory is correct (which, to be fair, it is often not), I’ve only met two people from tinder–that guy I met who drove me to the res (which I wrote a blog post about last year), and a person who I fell for but ended up just wanting to be friends with me (and that’s where we are today).

I was talking with this friend recently about the frustrations I’ve been having, and she’s been having many similar ones. She has come to the conclusion that she is unlovable—while I tried to argue with her on this, I see where she’s coming from. If it hasn’t happened already, it probably never will happen, and probability and simple logic lead her to believe that she is the common factor, so it must be her.

I’m paraphrasing here, but you get the idea.

I’ve spent years trying not to believe those exact thoughts. I’ve spent my entire young adult life holding onto this hope that someday I will find someone. And I’m not even asking for a long-term partner or a soulmate–I’m merely asking for someone to show me a little bit what it’s like to be romanced, to be loved, to have a good time, to have something special with someone, even if for a while.

But, it seems highly unlikely.

Last night I checked Tinder and, lo and behold, the guy who I had talked with at the bar for a little while who I also matched with on the app, unmatched with me.

Now, this really isn’t a big deal. But I was still befuddled. Any number of reasons could have caused this unmatching, but damn, you’d think, Hey, we’ve already talked, sliding into this online conversation will be a lot easier.

But I don’t think people on tinder are that serious. Tinder is game. It’s an ego-boosting app, and that’s usually the end of it.

So I deleted all my “dating apps.” Because my friend may be right–it may be time to give up the ghost. It may be time to just try and accept being alone. Sure, I’ve tried before, but I was younger then, and now that I’m 23 with a pretty solid understanding of myself, maybe it’s time.

The reality is, not everyone meets somebody else. And it seems like that’s probably my reality.

Online Dating (Or Rather, Not Dating)

“I like girls that don’t feel like they need to wear makeup. Just saying, you can be beautiful without it.”

“It is a hectic stressful job but I love it because it is a huge adrenaline rush. and I can fuck around most of my shift.”

“On a typical Friday night I am…

no, no, saturday nights @ lux
ill see you on the dance floor..”

Just a few examples of things I’ve seen on profiles. There are worse things. I can’t find them.

  1. If you’re a heterosexual male and you say something about women wearing or not wearing makeup, you need to stop and think about that for a second. Will it benefit you from saying it? Most likely, no. It angered me. Then again, I’m a raging, pansexual feminist.
  2. This quote came from a short string of messages between me and this grubby looking character who quit an RN program because he didn’t “understand it”. I don’t know man, but the desire to be able to “fuck around” a lot during your work shift should not be the driving factor of what you choose to do in life. I quickly ended that conversation after he sent me his phone number. Why are boys so goddamn pushy?
  3. WHY does everyone go to Lux? I don’t go clubbing. I don’t know if it’s a good club or a bad club, all I know is that it’s a club downtown in my city so it can’t be that great. Also, dancing? Really? No.

I have been on this godforsaken website for three years, off and on. I went on my first date via this site when I was 18. That was a bust. Man, was a he a pretty boy, but what a douche. Here I am, aged 21, still single as ever.

The boys get offended if you don’t respond to their message after ten minutes. I’m not kidding. They’ll send you a passive aggressive message after you haven’t replied, as if they’re just sitting in front of their screen waiting for the notification to pop up all the while jerking it to anime or god knows what.

The girls never message me back. What’s that, you also like St. Vincent? Let’s talk about that. NOPE. Or they’ll chat with you for like, half an hour then realize, for some reason, you’re too boring/negative/who cares.

I work with a girl who’s on this website. I thought she was straight, which is always a letdown, because straight girls are always the ones I find myself attracted to. Well, straight girls always really like me. I haven’t met many bi/pan/lesbian women in my life and I mean the two girls I have gone on dates with…well, if you’ve read my posts, you know how those went. Anyway, my coworker is on this site and told me her username and I looked her up. So we’ve been casually chatting on there, just about stupid shit. Her orientation says “Questioning”. Does this mean I have a chance? Maybe. She “loves” me, but every straight girl loves me.

Regardless, I told my best friend/coworker B to put in a good word for me. Plug me. Advertise me. Because I need all the help I can get at this point. None of my friends ever want to set me up with anyone (I get it, I’m the token unattractive friend) and I don’t meet anyone through school. Or work. Because I work with only women and they’re all middle-aged or straight or both.

I’m just lonely and fed up with this futile game.

Z