It’s not what I want.
This depression is numbness, total indifference. I can’t feel enough to even write a half-assed poem or work on a draft of a story. It takes me weeks to answer emails. Every decision feels like it was made in a fog of carelessness. I can’t wake up in the morning. I really can’t. I now require eleven hours of sleep. It never used to be like this. And when I do get up, my eyes are slowly closing in my 9:30am class, but I can’t even have caffeine to alleviate the struggle, so I just get up and go to the restroom and sit and go back and try to keep my head up. I’m late with all my schoolwork and so little effort goes into it.
I thought I was doing better for a while, but now I realize I was just becoming numb.
My answer to most things is something like, “I don’t care,” or “It doesn’t matter.”
I just need to keep pushing through
but that’s all I ever do anyway.