Step One: Drink a lot of something. Alcohol is preferred. If you’re not doing that, drink a lot of coffee, because it’s fucking hip. If you’re not doing that, drink a lot of tea, because you’ll fool yourself into thinking you’re bettering yourself and tea is even more hip than coffee. Forget to drink enough water.
Step Two: Make an account on every online dating application there is and become immediately discouraged when you swipe to the end of Tinder, or when no one matches with you on Her. OkCupid is a complete waste of time, but kill your days by answering the thousands of questions anyway, and making your profile seem effortlessly cool.
Step Three: Skip therapy or go to therapy, it’s all the same.
Step Four: Blame your parents. They’re the ones who decided to fornicate and make you, for fuck’s sake.
Step Five: Become hypersensitive while simultaneously becoming more aggressive with your friends. Make extremely self-deprecating remarks, but also go at them head-on with insulting sarcastic quips.
Step Six: Become erratic with your spending habits. Start buying lots of clothes. Sure, you actually do need new pants, but can you afford them? Not exactly. Stock up on coconut water so you feel like you’re doing something healthy, and anyway, your period is coming.
Step Seven: Sleep way more than is required. If you go to bed at 1am and wake up at 11, you’re doing it right. By sleeping more you will decrease the amount of energy you may have had even more, so by 1pm you’ll be back in bed. Sleep isn’t even fun, but you physically feel as though you can’t do anything else.
Step Eight: Hate everything about yourself.
Step Nine: Procrastinate about all the things you have to do in life.
Step Ten: Let is succumb you.