Just when I thought I was done questioning…

I’m not.

To give a quick update, I’m in a relationship. After nearly 22 years of being single and thinking that would never change, I’m in a relationship. I’m in a relationship with a man. I like him a lot. I love how he knows so much about so many different things and how passionate he is about particular things, and his little old-fashioned quirks. I love his smile. I love how he’s shorter than me. I love his hand on my collarbone and I love when he gently grips my arm out of excitement.

But I don’t know if I’m sexually attracted to him.

The most we’ve done is made out. Once. On our fourth date. He kissed my lips for the first time and I grabbed him and pulled him against my body and ravaged his mouth. Other than that, there’s been physical contact, but nothing more than slight cuddling (I hate that word, by the way) and kissing each other goodbye at night. And last night, as I was lying in bed, I started to fret. Because I realized I don’t want to do anything more.

He is not the kind of man to pressure me into anything. But I felt pressured last night when his roommates all left to go to a party, and one of them raised his eyebrows as he said we could “have some alone time.” My partner and I spent the night watching Breaking Bad on the couch, but during some lulls, I felt pressured for more. It’s hard to explain, but you know when you just feel that energy? I felt it.

Anyway, back to the fretting. I realize I’m content with minimal physical contact. There’s nothing wrong with that. I’ve always kind of been like that. I like my space. But the issue is…I’m not that way with women. I know I’m sexually attracted to women. I want to touch and kiss women. I want to have sex with women. And here I am, with my partner, whom I adore, and I don’t feel that way.

What is wrong with me?

Am I biromantic rather than bisexual? I thought I had figured out my sexual identity, but now I’m not so sure.

And maybe I’m wrong. Maybe my sexual attraction will grow. But right now, the thought of having sex with a man, even a man I care for, somewhat repulses me, if I’m being completely honest.

I thought I had it figured out. Guess not.

-Zara

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30-Day Writing Challenge: Day 6

I know, I know, I’m late. Very late. I’m defeating the purpose of this challenge. Day six is “someone who fascinates you and why.” I spent days pondering this. Sure, my friends fascinate me, and certain celebrities fascinate me, but how many times do I need to beat that dead horse? Then I realized–I fascinate myself.

I find myself fascinating because I am such a mixed bag. I’m a paradox. I’m not a man or a woman, I just am. My talents and skills fascinate me. I had this realization today, while sitting on the couch watching Bob’s Burgers, that even though I doubt my writing ability sometimes, there are not many people who can write as well as I can. This isn’t me trying to put anyone else down, and I’m aware of all the varying styles of writing out there (and I find myself envious, often times), but I just thought, I’m a great poet. I’m a great fiction writer. I don’t know anyone else who writes like I do. And I don’t know many people who write as well as I do. Beyond that, my general identity fascinates me. I appreciate how I can change and grow with time, and I think, as I’ve gotten older, I’ve started to recognize that more and more.

I think I’m fascinating, and I think that’s all that matters.

-Zara

 

30-Day Writing Challenge: Day 5

I’ve never visited the Pacific Northwest but I would totally live there. It’s utterly and completely, mind-blowingly, beautiful.

 

 

30-Day Writing Challenge: Day 4

List 10 interesting facts about yourself.

Let’s use “interesting” loosely, alright now?

1. I think some kinds of ice are superior to others (hi, Kyle).
2. I love the smell just before it rains, but I hate rain.
3. I didn’t see a shooting star until last summer.
4. I’m a bit of a sentimental hoarder. I have two overflowing “memory boxes,” which contain anything from wrappers of gum because I cared for gave to me to birthday cards.
5. Moths scare me, but I do acknowledge that they are cute up close.
6. I don’t care about Beyonce. At all.
7. In fact, I don’t care about pop culture, for the most part. I think it’s a waste of time.
8. I’d give my left tit to see Radiohead live.
9. I collect art books.
10. The only wine I like is pink moscato.

-Zara

30-Day Writing Challenge: Day 3

As Kyle so kindly reminded me, I’m late.

Day 3: Your first love and first kiss.

Well, I’ve never been in love. I’ve definitely been infatuated with people. I’m pretty smitten with someone right now. Maybe it will turn into love, maybe it won’t. But I am a virgin when it comes to this vague concept of “love.”

As for my first kiss, that happened when I was 17. I don’t like to count it as my first kiss, but I suppose it was no matter how I try to twist it in my mind. I went over to this guy’s house, who was a year older than me. We smoked pot together a few times. This time, however, when I arrived, he didn’t pull out any pot. He was shirtless (and unimpressive) and we awkwardly sat on the bottom bunk of his bunk bed (NO). He put his hand on my leg and had a really stupid expression on his face and kissed me. He attempted to keep this up until I made up some excuse and bolted the hell out of there. That was the last time I saw him. I was lucky enough to get my A Clockwork Orange DVD from him before this happened.

-Zara

30-Day Writing Challenge: Day 2

Your earliest memory.

I have no answer for this. But I do have a quote for you:

Everyone remembers things which never happened. And it is common knowledge that people often forget things which did. Either we are all fantasists and liars or the past has nothing definite to it. I have heard people say we are shaped by our childhood. But which one?

— Jeanette Winterson, Sexing the Cherry

*New* 30-Day Writing Challenge

In order to keep myself active on here, I decided to tackle another 30 day writing challenge. I invite all of you lovely people to do it as well.

Day One: Five problems with social media.

1. General miscommunication–texts can be misinterpreted so, so easily. Facial expression, body language, and tone of voice is totally lost, so you have to rely on purely text to communicate, which often leads to nasty interpretations. Typing “Okay!” has an entirely different feel than typing “Ok.”
2. Obsession–I am not a stranger to this. I feel obligated to check certain apps regularly (particularly Instagram) and when I don’t, I get overwhelmed.
3. Being too attached–this goes along with obsession, I suppose. I hate when I’m with a friend and they abruptly pull out their phone and zone out for an undetermined amount of time. I feel slighted and ignored. I personally try my best not to do this. If I am spending time with someone and pull out my phone, I’m checking for something important, not just killing time.
4. The obliteration of actual writing–I certainly fear that social media allows for sliding into literary laziness. I use spellcheck from time to time, but texting and autocorrect allows for me to be lazy when typing messages. As much as I try to be literate and actually write out proper English, sometimes I fail. And I fear that future generations will not know how to spell.
5. Social media careers–this is somewhat controversial. I respect, to a degree, people who build their “careers” from things like Twitter, Instagram, and YouTube, but at the same time, I feel like it’s an easy way for young people to get sucked into such social media and think they have a fair chance at making money this way instead of actually working. I also think all of those famous YouTubers and Instagram models we know don’t even have real work ethic. I have a lot of issues with these types of people. They often complain to their viewers about working “so hard” when in reality, they have a team of people behind them generating their blog posts, editing and filming their videos, and sponsors paying them. It’s a shady business.

I hope some of you will do this challenge with me!

-Zara