To give a quick update, I’m in a relationship. After nearly 22 years of being single and thinking that would never change, I’m in a relationship. I’m in a relationship with a man. I like him a lot. I love how he knows so much about so many different things and how passionate he is about particular things, and his little old-fashioned quirks. I love his smile. I love how he’s shorter than me. I love his hand on my collarbone and I love when he gently grips my arm out of excitement.
But I don’t know if I’m sexually attracted to him.
The most we’ve done is made out. Once. On our fourth date. He kissed my lips for the first time and I grabbed him and pulled him against my body and ravaged his mouth. Other than that, there’s been physical contact, but nothing more than slight cuddling (I hate that word, by the way) and kissing each other goodbye at night. And last night, as I was lying in bed, I started to fret. Because I realized I don’t want to do anything more.
He is not the kind of man to pressure me into anything. But I felt pressured last night when his roommates all left to go to a party, and one of them raised his eyebrows as he said we could “have some alone time.” My partner and I spent the night watching Breaking Bad on the couch, but during some lulls, I felt pressured for more. It’s hard to explain, but you know when you just feel that energy? I felt it.
Anyway, back to the fretting. I realize I’m content with minimal physical contact. There’s nothing wrong with that. I’ve always kind of been like that. I like my space. But the issue is…I’m not that way with women. I know I’m sexually attracted to women. I want to touch and kiss women. I want to have sex with women. And here I am, with my partner, whom I adore, and I don’t feel that way.
What is wrong with me?
Am I biromantic rather than bisexual? I thought I had figured out my sexual identity, but now I’m not so sure.
And maybe I’m wrong. Maybe my sexual attraction will grow. But right now, the thought of having sex with a man, even a man I care for, somewhat repulses me, if I’m being completely honest.
I thought I had it figured out. Guess not.