I can never think of titles.

I haven’t written a post in a while. I feel like these days I just have nothing to say. It’s almost April and it’s snowing. Well, it’s a mix of snow and rain. It’s been raining a lot the past two weeks, which is pretty depressing. My spring break is over. Mine was really early compared to other schools. It was decent, despite it going by so quickly. I even found a new job. It’s nothing exciting or cool but it’s a job, which I start this evening.

I drank quite a bit over spring break, but hey, it was spring break. Last night I bought more beer. I’m already really overweight so I probably shouldn’t be drinking so much. I realized the other night that I feel way more attractive than I am. I never really feel unattractive until I see my reflection or a photo of myself. I can’t believe I let myself go and I’m still so ashamed I gained all the weight I had lost back. But I feel really unmotivated to do anything about it, as much as I hate it.

It’s about halfway through the spring semester now. I’m anxiously waiting to hear from my advisor so I can sign up for classes in the fall. I have a lot of work to do in the next two weeks. One of my projects is a play for my poetry workshop. We had to have four characters and we have to make an audio recording of the play to present to the class, so mine is about the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse sitting in a Starbucks, except they’re all women. I’m relying on my friends to play three of the parts, which is honestly terrifying. I don’t like relying on other people, especially when a large grade is involved.

I had to write a scene of a play over break for poetry as well. I thought it was trash, but yesterday in class, my professor pulled me outside of the room and told me how good it was and how funny and how it’s exactly what he’s looking for. This was all very unexpected and very flattering, but now I feel like the pressure is really on for my other play to be just as good, if not better. And tonight I have to finish working on this sonnet.

Scholar’s Day is also coming up in a couple weeks. I’m doing the reader’s theater for my Tolkien professor from last semester. She wrote a large script based off stories in the Silmarillion. I’m playing Sauron, which is an honor but also a huge challenge, since I have to make my voice lower and more menacing, and also Varda and “Voice 2.” I don’t entirely regret committing to this, but I have no confidence in myself when it comes to performing in any capacity (even though I’ve done reader’s theater before) and so I’m very nervous about the actual day of the performance.

I felt fine earlier today, but now I’m kind of feeling depressed. It’s probably the weather. And anyway, I’m just always depressed. I’m always looking for distractions, whether it be friends or alcohol or both, and when I don’t have them, I feel alone and useless. Sometimes I just want to fast-forward through life a little bit. I have so much schooling left and it stresses me out. I miss talking with my psychiatrist. I really do. My medications are doing nothing for me, so it seems, and there’s nothing I can do about it. I feel really alone and helpless. I can’t articulate my emotions into words so I just never talk about how I’m feeling, or on the rare instances I do, I start crying because it’s overwhelming. I feel like I’m just going through the motions without any purpose and it all feels very dismal and depressing.

Well. For having nothing to say, this sure was a long post.

-Zara

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Current Jams X

Happy tenth birthday to Current Jams!

  1. “The Greatest” – Raleigh Ritchie. I love the sound of this guy’s voice. It’s very smooth and who can resist that accent. My friend Kyle always gets me back into his songs. This is a feel good jam. Favorite lyric: “We’re way past the sunshine and ice cream / I pray it’s not a pipe dream.”
  2. “I Adore U” – Adore Delano. I’ve been obsessing over Adore Delano, or rather Danny Noriega, ever since Kyle (hi again!) introduced me to her/his music. Adore is the drag name of Danny, who was on season 6 of RuPaul’s Drag Race. Honestly, her music is the jam, containing lyrics that have more substance than half the pop music out there. Favorite lyric: “When you turn your back do you ever wonder if we could have tomorrow in technicolor?”
  3. “Sunday Morning” – The Velvet Underground. I’ve been listening to The Velvet Underground a lot lately. They just seem to get me. I’m sure you’re familiar with this song, but if you’re not, you should be. Favorite lyric: “It’s just the wasted years so close behind / Watch out, the world’s behind you, there’s always someone around you who will call.”
  4. “Pink Cadillac” – Bruce Springsteen. I’ve never listened to Bruce Springsteen, but one day I heard this song on the radio and became obsessed with it. Favorite lyric: “I’m going for the pink Cadillac, crushed velvet seats / Riding in the back, oozing down the street / Waving to the girls, feeling out of sight / Spending all my money on a Saturday night.”
  5. “Anointed” – Blaqk Audio. This is a brand new song that must have gotten leaked, since Blaqk Audio’s newest album isn’t due for April and I am beyond excited. I do like electronica, but they’re the only band/group I’ve ever really loved who falls into that genre. Favorite lyric: “And all I want is to be close to you / for when I’m close to you, no one can see me.”
  6. “The Weeping Song” – Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds. This should come as no shock. I’m always finding new Nick Cave songs to fawn over. He’s another one that just gets me. Favorite lyric: “O father tell me, are you weeping? / Your face seems wet to touch / O then I’m so sorry, father, I never thought I hurt you so much.”
  7. “Emotional Rescue” – St. Vincent. This is a Rolling Stones cover. I’ve never heard the original. Don’t really like the Rolling Stones, but I love St. Vincent, obviously. She sounds sexy in this song. Surprise, surprise. Favorite lyric: “I come to you, so silent in the night / So stealthy, so animal quiet / I’ll be your savior, steadfast and true.”
  8. “Rolling in the Roses” – BORNS. A new find from BORNS for me! Favorite lyric: “Is there a demon, under my bed / I saw it in a movie once and now it’s my head / Don’t try to trick me, to fall into love / I step on all the cracks cause I’m a superstitious punk.”

What have you been listening to lately?

-Zara

Don’t Assume I’m Straight.

I hate when people assume I’m straight. Number one, because it means that women don’t think I’m interested in them. And number two, it’s just incorrect. But the reason why I get most flustered over this is because I’m unable to be open with my sexuality with my parents.

I’ve written about this before. I’m open with all of my friends and never had to have any sort of “coming out” experience with anyone. But while I tried to “come out” to my parents, it failed, since they just denied my feelings completely. Since then my friends, and myself, have dropped hints, and I think my mother, at least, knows I am not straight but I know she doesn’t understand exactly what I am.

When people ask me if I have a boyfriend I always answer “no” but what I want to say is “I don’t have a boyfriend OR a girlfriend” or simply, “I’m not straight.” But for some reason, I never correct people.

I think assuming people’s sexual orientation is dangerous, although I do it myself once in awhile.

I was telling my friend about how my professor (who is openly gay) assumed I was straight and I regretted not telling him otherwise since I can’t come out to my parents, and she asked me, “Are you still bi?” This question kind of miffed me because she was implying bisexual people don’t or cannot come out. Although I’ve written in the past that not coming out hasn’t affected my life, really, and that is still true, I would like to be open with my sexuality with my parents. Instead, we never bring up the subject.

My mother used to talk about guys she would want to set me up with. There’s no more of that, for more reasons than one, I’m sure. Over the years I’ve dropped hints, but I think the hints confuse my parents more than clear up any preconceived notions for them. This sounds incredibly selfish and probably derogatory, but my parents had a really easy time accepting my trans best friend and understanding that, while they’ve continued to deny the reality of bisexuality. Which makes me feel small.

I don’t know where I’m going with this. I don’t need a big coming out party. I just want people who don’t know me to stop assuming my sexuality and I want the people I’m close to to accept me for who I am.

-Zara

“You Have Talent” II

On Wednesday I emailed my poetry professor, sending him a brand new poem that counted as a revision for our first assignment. He raised my grade from an 8.5 to a 9.5 and I asked if I could have a hard copy of his notes after break. He responded telling me to see him in his office the next afternoon.

The poem I wrote was a volatile, completely honest poem depicting certain aspects of my own mental illness. My professor himself has been open with his own mental health issues, so I wasn’t sure if he was going to bring me in for a therapy session or just simply give me critiques. It ended up being a bit of both.

He said my poem sounded like a detailed diary entry, which he said wasn’t necessarily a bad thing. He said it was a “victim poem,” which I scoffed at, but he was right in saying that. He also said he thought it was an improvement from the first poem I submitted and I deserved the A but I needed to “work through some shit” in order to make it work, as well as either add self-deprecating humor or change the form to something structured.

I agree. I also told him I normally don’t write such material. We both agreed my title was shit. But I’m really shit at titles.

He also told me that I deserve an A in the class and I’m a good listener. He said I seem to withhold scathing comments but I also genuinely show compassion, which he says makes for a good poet. As for grad school, he said he would write me a letter himself, but either way, with my “talent,” persistence, and GPA, I would get in. He said I would have no problem getting in.

He asked if I was bummed out. I said I was always bummed out.

He asked if I had a boyfriend and I regret telling him I’m not straight.

We talked for about 40 minutes. It was nice. I’m still unsure about his teaching methods, but he even said to come talk to him if I felt bad about the class or was questioning anything.

I learned while in community college that it helps to have a professor on your side. It always helps.

-Zara

Email to Psychiatrist

“Hi there.

I know you said I should feel free to email, though I still feel odd about it, but I’ve been having a particularly rough time lately so I thought I would reach out.
On Thursday I had a breakdown. I guess I was due for one. It started in the early afternoon, when I was in my last class. I felt so irritated and stressed. We were reading a play aloud and I felt so angry and like I might cry. I kept digging my nails into my hand. One of my peers commented, after class, how I looked upset. I got to my car and cried a little. When I got home I didn’t know what to do, since I felt the entire thing escalating, so I just laid in bed, but that didn’t help. I felt myself losing control more and more and in my frenzy I harmed myself, purposefully, then went outside and sobbed for a long time, feeling ashamed and alone. My best friend asked if I wanted her to come over, to which I didn’t respond. I eventually went to bed and slept for twelve hours, which just gave me a piercing headache. When I did end up seeing my best friend, she didn’t even ask how I was feeling. I felt slighted. I feel very isolated these days. If I can’t talk to her about my feelings, then who can I talk to? I’m realizing just how helpful our sessions were. I know I need to look for another doctor but it seems like a chore.
My mental health has deteriorated, yet again, as it always seems to. School is incredibly stressful this semester, mostly, I’m sure, due to my lack of good mental health. I feel overwhelmed and unmotivated. I’m getting mostly B’s when I should be getting A’s and this flaw is stressing me out even more. I’m putting immense pressure on myself but am unable to live up to it. I also very recently lost my job, as my company did some downsizing, so there’s another stressor for me to deal with.
I have absolutely no one to talk to about all of this and I don’t know what to do to help myself.
Anyway. Thanks.
-Zara”

Update Number Whatever

It’s been a while since I’ve given you guys an update. I haven’t been blogging much, which makes me sad since I was doing so well before. I just haven’t felt like writing in general, which is never a good sign.

Last Tuesday Bennett texted me asking me if I wanted to hang out. I knew she was supposed to be working, so I asked what was up. She said she “got fired.” I immediately called her, as I do in any even slightly dramatic situation. She basically told me they were downsizing at our company. I called Frank, the operations manager, well-knowing I was also going, but he wouldn’t tell me anything over the phone. Bennett came over and then we went out. I applied at Show World and then we went to Bar Louie, where I ate half of a burger and drank three really large beers which cost seven dollars apiece.

The next night I went in, feeling foul because I knew I was going to be let go. I told Dorothy, one of my favorite coworkers, I didn’t feel motivated to do anything since I knew. Finally around eight o’clock Frank came over and walked me back to his office. Right as he was getting into his scripted speech, a customer called and talked his ear off for a few minutes. Once he got off the phone he asked if a customer had asked my name earlier tonight, to which I responded “Yes.” It was clear that this customer complained about me, though I honestly am unsure of as to why, so that was even more of a reason to let me go, I suppose. Anyway, Frank read his speech and told me my position no longer existed, in a nutshell. I signed a paper giving me two weeks pay as severance. Strange. It’s also taxed 25 percent, so it’s better than nothing, but it’s still pocket change.

I really wanted to make it to the one-year mark with this job, and I know if the company hadn’t decided it needed to give so many people (mostly us part-timers) the axe, I would have made it. So now I have to job-hunt again and scrounge for change. Finding a job has never been easy, and it’s hard to find a job that’s tolerable. I didn’t like my job, but I didn’t hate it either, and I liked most of the people I worked with. I was comfortable there. And now I am forced to start over.

This, combined with the stress of school, my father’s unemployment, not being able to see my psychiatrist, and general depression makes for a miserable time. I constantly feel on edge and melancholy. I feel unmotivated and depressed. I feel like I can’t talk to any of my friends about it, mostly because I don’t know how to. I really miss my sessions with my psychiatrist. My anxiety has been heightened. All I want to do is sleep or drink. I feel out of place at my university and I’m putting so much pressure on myself to do exceedingly well and I’m struggling. My mental illness has been making me feel completely awful about myself, something I thought I had (mostly) overcome.

How are you doing?

–Zara