It’s 4:17am. I went to bed around 1am. I’ve given up on sleep for now. I’m too warm, too cramped in my twin bed, and my mind is restless. While I’m up, I thought I’d give those of you who care a bit of an update.
I’ve been pushing away the fact that I’m starting classes somewhere completely new and 30 miles away from my home out of my head all summer. Finally, on Saturday night, I decided that I should really check out what books I need since my first day is in a week.
I was pretty disturbed to see that for just one of my classes, I needed five books. I continued to scroll. One for that class, seven for that class, Jesus Christ on the cross, and oh my god, eleven for that class? Are you serious? This can’t be right. Who can afford this, even with renting and buying used?
So with the realization that I needed over 20 books for four classes in one semester, I basically broke down. I just thought, I can’t do this, I can’t even afford to buy the fucking books, how do I do this? I can’t. Not being able to navigate the overly-confusing website or find my student email added fuel to the fire. I was sobbing. I felt no control over the situation.
And then after calming down a bit, I had a thought. I don’t want to be afraid anymore.
I am so tired of being consumed by fear every waking moment. I’m so tired of fear controlling my life. There is so much I want to do and I need to stop allowing my own insecurities and doubts get in the way. If I tell myself I will fail, I WILL FAIL. I need to stop and think and reevaluate my self-worth and my abilities. I hate working. So what? Everyone hates working. Remembering that makes me feel better about it. College is tough? My god, it’s so fucking hard (and EXPENSIVE) but it took me long enough to realize what I wanted to do and I am determined to do what I need to do to get where I want to be. I am not going to be 30 years old and working the same job I have now. I will not accept that.
Obviously, I am not going to feel this way all the time. I still am very worried about the whole school thing. But I know for a fact that I will get through it because I want to and because I can. And it’s going to take me a long time to learn how to relax even a little. But I want to. I just want to fucking relax for once in my life.
My friend told me today, “You think like a man.” Which is kind of true. I’m not an emotional thinker, despite being a very emotional person. I can shove those emotions aside and break down what I’m feeling into a psychological, scientific formula. Being so analytical and logical has its perks but it also means I can’t just “go with the flow”. No, there has to be an explanation for what I’m feeling and what’s happening. And sometimes my “logic” is wrong. Like that girl I’ve been talking to. Well, we were texting and she asked, “Why didn’t you kiss me the other night?” This took me by surprise a little bit because 1) I have no self-esteem and think no one can be physically attracted to me BASED ON THE LOGIC of sexual attraction and physically attractive qualities that I do not possess and 2) I attempted to analyze her body language throughout the entire evening but could not make a definitive conclusion so therefore, I did not “make a move”.
But there ya go. My reasoning and calculating was wrong. My intuition had turned out to be correct, I just didn’t act on it, because to me, it didn’t add up.
I’m just tired of feeling out of control. I do have control. Not over everything, but most things. And I can control how I handle situations. I need to get better with that.
There’s just so much to do. And by God, I’m gonna do it.