Fuck Fear

It’s 4:17am. I went to bed around 1am. I’ve given up on sleep for now. I’m too warm, too cramped in my twin bed, and my mind is restless. While I’m up, I thought I’d give those of you who care a bit of an update.

I’ve been pushing away the fact that I’m starting classes somewhere completely new and 30 miles away from my home out of my head all summer. Finally, on Saturday night, I decided that I should really check out what books I need since my first day is in a week.

I was pretty disturbed to see that for just one of my classes, I needed five books. I continued to scroll. One for that class, seven for that class, Jesus Christ on the cross, and oh my god, eleven for that class? Are you serious? This can’t be right. Who can afford this, even with renting and buying used?

So with the realization that I needed over 20 books for four classes in one semester, I basically broke down. I just thought, I can’t do this, I can’t even afford to buy the fucking books, how do I do this? I can’t. Not being able to navigate the overly-confusing website or find my student email added fuel to the fire. I was sobbing. I felt no control over the situation.

And then after calming down a bit, I had a thought. I don’t want to be afraid anymore.

I am so tired of being consumed by fear every waking moment. I’m so tired of fear controlling my life. There is so much I want to do and I need to stop allowing my own insecurities and doubts get in the way. If I tell myself I will fail, I WILL FAIL. I need to stop and think and reevaluate my self-worth and my abilities. I hate working. So what? Everyone hates working. Remembering that makes me feel better about it. College is tough? My god, it’s so fucking hard (and EXPENSIVE) but it took me long enough to realize what I wanted to do and I am determined to do what I need to do to get where I want to be. I am not going to be 30 years old and working the same job I have now. I will not accept that.

Obviously, I am not going to feel this way all the time. I still am very worried about the whole school thing. But I know for a fact that I will get through it because I want to and because I can. And it’s going to take me a long time to learn how to relax even a little. But I want to. I just want to fucking relax for once in my life.

My friend told me today, “You think like a man.” Which is kind of true. I’m not an emotional thinker, despite being a very emotional person. I can shove those emotions aside and break down what I’m feeling into a psychological, scientific formula. Being so analytical and logical has its perks but it also means I can’t just “go with the flow”. No, there has to be an explanation for what I’m feeling and what’s happening. And sometimes my “logic” is wrong. Like that girl I’ve been talking to. Well, we were texting and she asked, “Why didn’t you kiss me the other night?” This took me by surprise a little bit because 1) I have no self-esteem and think no one can be physically attracted to me BASED ON THE LOGIC of sexual attraction and physically attractive qualities that I do not possess and 2) I attempted to analyze her body language throughout the entire evening but could not make a definitive conclusion so therefore, I did not “make a move”.

But there ya go. My reasoning and calculating was wrong. My intuition had turned out to be correct, I just didn’t act on it, because to me, it didn’t add up.

I’m just tired of feeling out of control. I do have control. Not over everything, but most things. And I can control how I handle situations. I need to get better with that.

There’s just so much to do. And by God, I’m gonna do it.

Z

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Current Jams III

I’m two beers deep and I feel like writing but I don’t have anything new to say, and I don’t post poetry on here, so enjoy.

  1. “Terrence Loves You” – Lana Del Rey. This song literally was released today (or rather, yesterday), the third released from her upcoming album, Honeymoon. This is my favorite of the three. I’ve had it on repeat all day. It’s very smooth and her vocals are actually fairly clear. I’m not sure who Lana is talking about, but I have my guesses. I appreciate the reference to David Bowie and I appreciate how honest she sounds throughout this entire song. It’s really quite beautiful.
  2. “If I Had A Heart” – Fever Ray. If you watch TV, you may have already heard this song. It’s the opening theme song for the History channel show Vikings and was featured in an episode of Breaking Bad. It’s an excellent song if you feel like killing yourself or someone else. The distorted, almost dead-sounding vocals are haunting.
  3. “Your Lips Are Red” – St. Vincent. I’m wholly impressed with St. Vincent’s debut album, but this song is my absolute favorite track (sidenote: if you ever get to see her live, her performance of this song is fucking amazing). It begins a bit inauspicious, and to be honest, I have no idea what the hell she’s singing about or what could have inspired the lyrics, but the lyrics are very interesting nonetheless. Around the 3 minute mark the song slows down and quiets a bit, with Annie’s breathy voice singing, “Your skin’s so fair/it’s not fair” over and over. I often cry when this part begins and I’m note entirely sure why, but boy, I love this song.
  4. “There She Goes My Beautiful World” – Nick Cave & The Bad Seeds. If you don’t like Nick Cave, you’re wrong. Also, this was the song that inspired St. Vincent’s stage name, if you need anymore reason to love Annie Clark and/or Nick Cave. I love the bits and pieces of various stories this song tells about other artists who have experienced the public eye. This song is explosive and dimensional and you need to listen to it.
  5. “Cold War” – Blaqk Audio. I haven’t found many people who have even heard of Blaqk Audio, but it’s a side project of two of the guys from the band AFI. I’m not a big AFI fan, but I absolutely adore Blaqk Audio (and do wish they’d make some new music). If you don’t like electronica, you won’t like them. Anyway, the song is only 2 and a half minutes long, and I wish it were longer. I enjoy every single Blaqk Audio track there is, but this is top 5. The beat, the tempo, the vocals, it’s all great. And of course, I love the lyrics, especially the line, “What’s worse is that I saw him first.” Oh, and Davey Havok, the lead singer, was born in my hometown. There ya go.
  6. “Menopause Man” – Ariel Pink. I’m finishing up this post sober because I couldn’t think coherently last night. I’m a big Ariel Pink fan. I think he’s really intriguing and weird and his music is the same. The lyrics to this song are wacky yet logical. I’m unsure if he’s singing about embracing the more “feminine” side of being a man or if he’s sympathizing with the hardships of being a woman. It could be something totally different. But the low-fi, slow tempo combined with the mostly-monotone vocals really get me, as always.
  7. “Busy Earnin'” – Jungle. If you have never listened to Jungle, you really should. They’re like a pop-R&B-dance-electronica hybrid. This song really puts me in a good mood. It’s perfect for driving down the highway on a sunny day with your shades on and the windows down.
  8. “Warship My Wreck” – Marilyn Manson. I’ve always really loved Marilyn Manson. His image, his performances, his intelligence, and his music. I fell out of keeping up with his music, however, after his album, The High End of Low. I found it to be a disappointment. His most recent, The Pale Emperor, is definitely a big step up. It sounds familiar yet new, with fresh lyrics and new sounds. This is, currently, my favorite track off the album. There’s a lot of great instrumentals throughout and Manson’s vocals sound great. It’s a little repetitive, but I didn’t even notice that until I actually looked up the lyrics.
  9. “True Blue” – Dirty Beaches. This is a song I really would like to die to. It’s so very sad. It’s actually very ominous, too. It sounds like something bad is going to happen in the midst of this heartache. And that’s what I feel when I listen to this song – heartache. When a song can make me feel, it’s a good song. Dirty Beaches is no longer active in the music scene, unfortunately, but I’d give his music a solid listen if I were you. He has a totally unique sound and often distorted, bizarre lyrics. This song is one of the most discernibleĀ I’ve listened to.
  10. “Hurricane” – Halsey. I’m still trying to warm up to Halsey, but I like her. She is seriously vocally talented. Watch the acoustic version of this song on YouTube if you can. Her lyrics aren’t that compelling for me, but I love her voice and she’s definitely a “star on the rise” to watch out for.

Z

The Cloud

I am tired of this grey cast over everything.

Last night I had a wonderful time with a very interesting person. I lived in the moment. Truly. For hours. I felt a little bit free. And then as soon as I got back into my car, the switch flipped.

And today I feel very depressed. But why should I? Because I still think it’s not enough. My company is not enough. Opening up isn’t enough. I’m not enough.

Why can’t I ever reach that numb state of depression so many people experience?

I feel it all, I feel too much.

Z

Drunk Points

  • I’m a little drunk.
  • I finished off this bit of Svedka I took from my mother’s closet (I’m the only one in the house who drinks vodka, like…give me a break). Yesterday I bought a 12 pack of Genny because I’m trash.
  • I’m listening to “Coco” by O.T. Genasis. Don’t judge me. I love this song. And I don’t remember if I’ve ever done cocaine to this song. Probably, though.
  • I have my first day of training tomorrow for my new job. 9 to 5. So it should be…interesting. I made myself a sandwich to eat on break but I know I’ll just flee to my car on break to chain smoke because NECESSARY.
  • I also have a second date tomorrow and I’m nervous about 1) her cancelling because she’s out of state at the moment and though she said she’s down, you never know. I’m used to people cancelling and 2) she will see me in fluorescent lighting and I’m pretty gross and 3) I’m just not good enough.
  • Classes start in 11 days and I have no books, no supplies. don’t even know where my classes are…I just…don’t wanna deal with it. I haven’t even emailed whoever I need to email to let them know I actually won’t be dorming…
  • I didn’t go to a writer’s workshop last night because I literally didn’t want to be physically seen if that gives you any inkling to how my self-esteem is right now.
  • I’m going to finish this beer and probably a couple more.

Z

I need

to stop looking at pictures of myself when I was thinner.

I need to stop looking at pictures of myself when I was thinner.

I need to stop looking at pictures of myself when I was thinner.

I need to stop looking at pictures of myself when I was thinner.

I need to stop looking at pictures of myself when I was thinner.

I need to stop looking at pictures of myself when I was thinner.

I need to stop looking at pictures of myself when I was thinner.

I need to stop looking at pictures of myself when I was thinner.

I need to stop looking at pictures of myself when I was thinner.

Z

It’s been thirteen days

since my last post and, once again, I am ashamed. But I’ve been feeling ashamed quite a lot lately.

Last night I started taking 900 mg of Lithium, the dosage I’ve been gradually working toward for a few months. It doesn’t seem to be helping (at least not on its own or with my Klonopin). Sure, I’ve been less suicidal than I was in July, but I still feel like pure shit. The last time I saw my psychiatrist I was very erratic and emotional and basically went on a tangent about how there’s no point to anything (which, if we’re being existential, there isn’t).

The most discouraging part about my depressed state lately is the fact that some good things have happened, I just don’t see them as good things.

After months and months of searching, I got a job at a department store. I should be excited. Instead, I’m worried about the whole thing. I’m worried about the fact that I only have one acceptable pair of shoes to wear and they’re falling apart (and buying new shoes isn’t much of an option, unless I buy men’s shoes, because my feet are a size 14 women’s. I actually like men’s shoes, but they don’t go with every outfit.), I’m worried about my lack of “appropriate” dress clothes, since I don’t weigh what I did a year ago and a third of what I own no longer fits, and I’m worried about not actually making money since the department store is about 11 miles from my house and college is about 30 miles away, and I may be doing all this driving in one day, which means a lot spent on gas. Most of all, I’m worried that I will despise the job because I’ll tell myself, This sucks, I don’t like this.

I’ve been casually talking to this girl I “met” via a shitty dating app. She’s very intelligent, very interesting, and also the total opposite of me. She’s spontaneous and adventurous, with a self-proclaimed “fuck it” attitude. I, on the other hand, do not possess any of those qualities. I’m fearful, cautious, and anxious. We, spontaneously, met up one night last week to watch a meteor shower. It was great. There was no awkwardness (the alcohol may have helped). The conversation flowed with ease. I also felt better about being seen only in the dark, since, well, I’m no prize. It ended a bit abruptly, but today I COURAGEOUSLY texted her asking if she’d like to do something this week, to which she said yes. The issue is, I have to figure out what we’re going to do. I know what I would want to do – go to an art gallery, a thrift store, get drinks, you know, safe and low-key activities. But I don’t know what she wants.

I’m not new to going on dates, but I am new to going on dates with someone I actually like.

Is it too early to say that? Probably. But I do, and that also dampens my spirits. Because I barely know this girl. She could be talking to five other people for all I know. But I’m intrigued by her and want to get to know her more and spend more time with her. And yet, I wonder, is it worth the risk? Is opening up worth the risk? Is allowing her to see me in daylight worth the risk?

I hate texting someone you’re trying to get to know better because it’s just that, you don’t know them. It seems like mind games. I’m trying to analyze what she’s actually saying. I’m trying to figure out if I’m being judged. I’m trying to figure out if she actually wants to go out again, or if she just doesn’t care. I just hate texting. I also hate “dates”. Sure, it’s easy to say, Just think of it as getting to know a new friend! But it’s not like that. This new “friend” could stop talking to me because I don’t have the right body, said the wrong thing, or don’tĀ like the same movies as them. I don’t fucking know. Friendships don’t develop that way. This person is putting me under a microscope. Am I paranoid? You tell me, I really don’t know.

I don’t like being judged because I know I am inadequate. I know there’s someone better out there. Hell, they’re probably ten feet away, let’s be real. So I sit here and wonder over and over, Is it worth it? I want to love and be loved, but it probably won’t happen, so why bother trying?

Oh, and summer is almost over and it’s been total shit and I haven’t bought my books yet or notebooks or anything because I have no money.

I feel very alone.

Z

Absent, Part III – A Multitude of Updates

I’ve been away, accidentally, yet again, and please accept my apology.

Things have been almost like static for the past week.

I graduated to 825mg of Lithium, after taking 750mg for 15 days.

I’ve felt fairly consistently depressed and once my ovulation cycle ended, my anxiety spiked. I’ve felt a lot of panic and derealization, to the point of (not that this is uncommon) genuinely being scared for my mental health. It’s honestly quite tiring, and I think those of you who follow me and have some form of mental illness(es) can understand that. It’s frightening to think that you might be going insane, exhausting to have these thoughts nearly all day, every day, and frustrating to not know what to do about them.

I think because of my lack of money and therefore my lack of opportunities to “go out” (and by that I mean simple things like going to a book or thrift store, getting coffee, eating out, things I CAN do when I have spare cash), my social anxieties have worsened as well. I won’t walk into a building first – I need someone else I’m with to walk in before me. The other day I went to Savers, a thrift store, by myself. First time in a while. Oh, also, I had an anxiety attack while driving there – I’ve never had an anxiety attack while driving, so I’m not taking this as a good sign. But anyway, while I was in the store, I wanted to take a look at the shoes. I headed over there then saw a man looking at the shoes, so I just turned and walked away. I did the same thing in another aisle.

I can’t believe it’s August. I don’t have money to pay for orientation or my books or even school supplies. I’m not ready for this new “thing” and I’m totally dreading it.

A person from my past messaged me via Facebook last night. This person was once my friend. We got into a shitty situation. We left on unsaid terms. I hadn’t heard from this person in nearly two years. And all this person could ask me was if I “hate[d]” them. I said no, I don’t, and I hope that gives them the self-assurance they need.

Earlier today I tried to take a nap to escape my depression and anxiety but every time I drifted into near-unconsciousness, my mind went into panic mode. It was scary and uncomfortable and I don’t know why it happens.

It seems as though nothing I do is working in my favor and I’m at this point I can’t see any meaning behind anything. Why continue my education? Why even try? Why get a job? Why try a new medication? I told my friend, and as terrible as this sounds, I meant and it and mean it sincerely; if I were to get diagnosed with a terminal illness or, even better, shot in the head, it would be a godsend at this point. I have an appointment with my psychiatrist on Wednesday and I’ve been so tempted to cancel it (I won’t, I know better) because I can’t even see a point in that.

-Z