Romantic Infidelity, aka My Mother

Last night I got home from a friend’s place around midnight. My mother’s car wasn’t in the driveway, which gave me a bad feeling, but I wasn’t sure what was going on. When I walked inside, I asked my father, who was in the kitchen, where she was. He began to cry and said he didn’t know and she wasn’t answering his calls. When he began to ponder where she could have gone and said he might go looking for her, I said, “What if she’s with her guy?”. He immediately asked me what I was talking about. We sat in the living room and I told him about the obscene text messages I had found last August from a man whose name started with a “J”. He asked, “J*** *****?”. I said I didn’t recall the name but knew it began with a “J”.

After a little more discussion and more tears, my mother walked in. My father immediately confronted her with this new information. She looked shocked (as she always does when caught in a lie) and said she didn’t want me in the room as they talked. So I went to the garage, lit up a cigarette, and called my brother, leaving a voicemail explaining the situation. After a little while, I was ushered back inside, where I sat at the dining room table as upstairs, my parents sat in the computer room and my father went through, month by month, my mother’s text messages to and from this man.

My mother, of course, doesn’t remember half of what my father asks her. She said she wouldn’t be able to afford health insurance and she’d be out on the streets. She said she loved my father. Yet she was still texting this other man for nine days after my father demanded she cease all contact. I kept my mouth shut throughout all of this, despite the urge to stomp up the stairs and call her out on her lies, her bullshit. After a while, she went to bed.

Neither my father or I could sleep. We talked for hours, going through all of what he knew of her affair. He said he didn’t deserve this. I said I know. He said he felt helpless. He said how he thought he could have worked through what he had known before (supposedly a 13-month affair, though now it seems like it was much longer), but now he doesn’t think he can. He doesn’t know what to do. He even called her a bitch, which I was glad for, because she is.

He told me how he would have rather have her divorced him than do this. He said that if I had showed him the texts a year ago, he would have divorced her (he even went and had a consultation with a lawyer not long ago, who told him, Yeah, your wife is having an affair, but if you divorce her, she still gets a ton of your money). He told me about how three years ago, her disdain and lack of support toward him and her saying, “I’m just not into you” drove him to nearly commit suicide, but somehow, even after writing a lengthy letter and planning it out, he stopped himself.

I have never seen my father so hurt. I never want to see him hurt like that ever again.

I stayed up with him until nearly 7am. I wasn’t going to leave him. And I told him no matter what, I would be behind him. I told him that I don’t know how the two of them will get through this, but I know he will.

I love my father more than anyone on this entire planet. I would do anything for him. My mother, however, has lost whatever shred of respect I had left for her, and any chance of forgiveness.

She texted me today, saying: “Z, I am so ashamed of what I’ve done. You, [your brother], and [your father] are the three most important people in the world to me. I was given everything I ever wanted and I ruined it. I was in a very dark, selfish place for a long time. I couldn’t admit to my children what that picture was even though it was obvious. I lived lie after lie. I hate what I was and what I’ve done to our family more than you know.”

In my depressed, angry state, I responded: “I find that very hard to believe considering how long this was going on for and how long you remained in contact with this man. I literally have no idea who you are and I have no idea how anyone is capable of such depravity and deceit. I should have told [my father] a year ago when I found it. I regret that. I’ve resented you for a year and I know this is hard to hear but that will continue.

You have destroyed an entire family. You had no regard for us and you hurt your husband, and children, more than you even realize. I think you need serious psychotherapy. You’re a pathological liar and I wouldn’t even be surprised if you were a sociopath. I have zero sympathy for you. I once did. But after I saw how much you hurt my father I have none to give and you will never receive my forgiveness. If it were me, you’d be gone. You’re lucky.

If I had the chance I would leave but I financially cannot and it sickens me that I have to live under the same roof as you and play pretend. Even if I could, I would probably still stay for my father because he needs at least one ally. I love you but I have no clue who you are. I cannot fathom your actions or thought process, or lack thereof.

You’ve gone years without consequences. I am totally appalled by you. You single-handedly destroyed your own family. There is no excuse. Bottom line. And I will never know if what you say is genuine or not.”

I don’t know what to do. My father has it much worse. But I don’t know what to do. It’s all like some terrible dream.

– Z

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Current Jams II

I actually like making these posts. Hopefully you enjoy at least one of these tunes.

“Shot At The Night” by The Killers – this is a single released 2013 from the album Direct Hits. One thing I love about The Killers is how their music often has this victorious, resilient theme to it. “Shot At The Night” combines an electro-pop beat with Brandon Flowers’ huge voice and an explosive chorus. The Killers never fail to inspire hope, nostalgia, and dreams.

“The Hills” by The Weeknd – the first word that comes to my mind when I hear this song is “suburbia”. I’m not entirely sure why, but it’s not in a bad way. Lyrics are incredibly important to me when it comes to music, it’s probably the number one thing I look for/am enticed by, and this song delivers. I think my favorite line is “I only love it when you touch me, not feel me.” I’ve had this song on repeat for days.

“Honeymoon” by Lana Del Rey – I’ve been a huge fan of Lana Del Rey since my senior year of high school, when she first got “on the scene”. I think she is a great lyricist and has come very far in her musical career, as a performer and a songwriter. I’m very excited for her new album that should be coming out this fall, and I love this song. It’s like a hopeful heartbreak. I will say that the chorus is a bit bland, but her vocals and simple musical accompaniment appeal to me. “Honeymoon” reminds me a bit of her album Ultraviolence, but I can tell that this record will be different, as all of her albums are.

“Like A River” by My Morning Jacket – again, another song off their newest album, The Waterfall. I so appreciate that many of the songs were inspired by being immersed in nature, something I find myself often inspired by. I truly think My Morning Jacket is one of the very best rock bands of the 2000s and 2010s. Their lyrics are always beautiful and pair perfectly with Jim James’ incredible voice. This song is indeed like a river – flowing peacefully and steadily. I highly advise listening to this album in its entirety.

“Roslyn” by Bon Iver & St. Vincent – ah, two incredibly talented musicians paired together. What could be better? This is one of my “sad” go-to songs. The lyrics are a bit esoteric but can definitely be interpreted individually. The soft acoustic guitar and the mesh of Annie’s and Justin’s airy vocals is just lovely.

“Gooey” by Glass Animals – Glass Animals are a pretty new group but when I heard their cover of Kanye West’s “Love Lockdown” I was immediately enticed. This song is like honey dripping from a comb, slow and sweet. The lyrics are a little silly but also heartfelt and pulsing, from “You just wanna know those peanut butter vibes” to “I just wanna go where I can get some space.”

“Talk About You” by Mika – I bought Mika’s first album, Life in Cartoon Motion, when it came out in 2007. I listened to that thing all the time. It’s still in my CD case in my car (although these days I have the capability to hook up my iPod to my stereo, thankfully). This song is what I call “classic Mika”. It’s an upbeat, piano-sprinkled pop song and it is great. I think Mika is one of most underrated pop singers. He really is a talented singer and musician and his music is worth a listen for sure.

“Oh Yeah” by Bat For Lashes. I’ve been somewhat addicted to this song recently. Bat For Lashes is pretty hit or miss for me. This song is a hit. The lyrics are beautiful and wonderfully crafted, making a very primal and basic act into something magical. I kind of want to eat this song, it’s so good. It’s peaceful and tantalizing all at once.

– Z

Absent (Again)

My last post was five days ago.

How did that happen?

Oh, how time flies…

The other night I was swiping through Tinder (shamefully) and came across this girl who I graduated high school with. We were very, very good friends when we were young. I’m talking like, third to fifth grade. I remember in elementary school we all got to paint ceiling tiles and we made ours connect to symbolize our friendship. They had those tiles up on the ceiling, visible from outside, for a long time, but they’re gone now. In some fucking dumpster.

Anyway, I was like, Oh, what’s she been up to? So I went to her Facebook. Then I saw her dad’s Facebook and when I clicked on his name I just had this weird realization of how much time has passed since…anything. I remember her father being a lanky, scruffy, black-haired hippie, with bare feet and a bungalow that didn’t even have a staircase, but a ladder, to get to the second floor (or maybe “loft” is a better word for it). Now he’s…well, he still looks sort of like a hippie, but like a HIPpie. His hair is totally grey now and not long and curly but long and in a ponytail. It just hit me that it’s been a decade since I’ve seen this man and it was strange.

Time has been soaring past me lately, and for whatever reason, this moment just reinforced it.

I’ve always had nostalgia for my childhood. It was a simpler time. I miss that imagination, that tenacity, the youth, the lack of responsibility and lack of fear.

I wanted this summer to be great but so far it’s been even less than mediocre. Part of that is my own fault, but with being so depressed, spending a lot of the time feeling suicidal, the issues with my parents, the issues with finishing my undergrad studies, and having absolutely no money to go do anything, I feel lost. I wanted to make the most of it. I really did. I haven’t even been writing.

I am full of regret, shame, and sadness. And that’s it.

Time is a cruel, cruel thing.

– Z

(More) Goals

More immediate ones, though.

  • Seek human contact if I need it. It’s okay to need a hug once in a while.
  • Possibly begin taking a probiotic supplement to help with anxiety.
  • Cut out alcohol consumption except for casual drinking, such as a couple beers or a cocktail.
  • Try to limit caffeine intake.
  • Exercise as much as possible, even if it’s light exercise. Go for walks, hikes, do some weight lifting, stretching.
  • Work on those art projects!
  • Try to write something at least once a day.
  • Keep tracking emotions/medication dosage.
  • Eat as much fresh food as possible.

– Z

Questions

  • What happened to the layout of this website? I don’t like change.
  • Did stress really make my period four days late? If so, that’s fascinating.
  • Why can’t I get a single call-back from a job application?
  • Why has my mental health declined to drastically?
  • Why do I feel so self-destructive? I thought I had moved past that, learned “coping” skills or whatever, but I guess not.
  • How will I actually go to school this year?
  • How will I mentally handle commuting 60 miles there and back if I do manage to go to school three days a week?
  • How will I afford that?
  • Can I please just find a job?
  • Why can’t I pull myself out of this depression?
  • Why can’t I lose weight?
  • Why do I have to cry so often? How can someone produce so many tears?
  • If karma does exist, why isn’t my mother receiving her fair share of “bad karma”?
  • Am I loved or merely tolerated?
  • Do I contribute anything?

– Z

Someone Should Really Do Something About This.

I can’t remember if I’ve mentioned on here that my mother cheated on my father, but if I haven’t, well, that happened.

Thursday was, pardon my French, an absolute shit-storm.

I am a snoop. I can admit that freely. My father keeps a journal on his nightstand, mostly tracking basic things like emotions (usually “down”) and sleep (he seems to get an average of two hours per night). While his handwriting is almost totally illegible, some things I can decipher. Being the nosy daughter I am, I flipped to June in the journal and on the 20th I saw that “[Insert My Mother’s Name Here] Admits Affair.”

It’s no wonder I found him sobbing a few days later.

I wasn’t shocked by any means. I haven’t been shocked by my mother in a long time. I’ve overheard my parent’s arguments and I know my father has had suspicions.

I also gathered, from further snooping, that apparently, the man my mother was/is having an affair with is also married and his wife found out and contacted my father in some way. I also know, based on the knowledge and history of my mother, that I highly doubt she told him the whole truth. I’m sure she tried to gloss over as much as possible.

I also found out that she has been harboring a secret bank account and also drove my parents into debt back in 2000 (side note – maybe if that hadn’t happened, they would have given me some money for college. I digress.).

My brother and I sat down with my mother, for the third time regarding her affair(s), and basically started out with saying that we know it all and we just want honesty. Well, honesty is not one of my mother’s strong points. She said my father and she are in marriage counseling. I told her I think she needs an actual therapist of her own. My brother and I both brought up how she always seems to be in her own little world, never acknowledging us, never speaking to us. My mother used the same argument she’s been using since I was 13 – when she tries to talk to me, I get “nasty”. I said how I’m 21 now and my communication skills have improved greatly (I also admitted to getting emotional during those dreadful “Z, come downstairs, we need to talk” conversations because the topic is always heavy and stressful) and I would like her to stop going to my brother but rather speak to me directly. Emotions began to run high, with her sitting there nodding but not truly processing anything, and she implied that I’m a bum and a leech and said “If you wanted a job, you would have gotten one by now.”

Yes, because she knows what it’s like to be an inexperienced 21 year old college student in 2015.

After things got more heated, I said how I don’t particularly like her at the moment and I don’t care to have a relationship with her.

This apparently upset her greatly, which I understand. My father began bombarding me through text and I said how I don’t see how it comes as a surprise when she’s never tried to have a relationship with me, and I’m tired of her blatant disregard for the family and how she has received zero consequences for her actions.

I mean…my father finds out his wife has been cheating on him and he continues to sleep in the same bed as her?

Does he have any self-respect?

So after all this, I went to hang out my neighbor’s house (they’re at their cottage, I was getting their mail. I just sat in the dark watching Seinfeld and smoking on the deck) to avoid any further discussion. I was upset. I was angry. I was baffled.

Today I saw my psychiatrist and relayed the entire event (as well as their lack of support with school) to him as well as my own emotional issues. It was actually a productive session.

I don’t know how to conclude this. I wish things were different. I wish I had told my father about her affair a year ago and saved us all the trouble. I wish I could leave sometimes. I certainly wish this were a better summer.

– Z