Last night my closest friend B and I got into a somewhat-deep conversation through text and as we were talking, she threw in this quote that goes something like this: “In the darkest of tunnels, even the dimmest of lights is helpful.” This was after she was saying how it’s “fine” to feel like you can’t go on another day, and to just let yourself go with those feelings.
I don’t know, man.
Now, this friend of mine has had her fair share of hardships and emotional issues (I think she has depression but she’s not really into the whole medication thing and can’t afford proper therapy, so that’s a dead end, at least for now), however, I still had to disagree for myself personally. Especially now, I don’t think it’s “okay” or “fine” for me to feel so consistently suicidal – it’s a terrible feeling, and waking up every day with those toxic thoughts is really dark and overwhelming. “What is enough, though?” B asked, more rhetorical than directly, but I still answered, “Mental stability would be enough.”
The thing is, my mental illness isn’t just a funk I’ll get out of one day. And that’s the worst part. It will always be there. Even when I get better, I know there’s a steep valley that I’m heading toward. The goal right now is to not feel as terrible as I do now, and I feel guilty for feeling the way I do. Depressed people aren’t fun to be around, I know that. I also know my friends love me no matter what. At the same time, I’m sure it’s draining for them, which is why I’m selective with what I tell them.
Last week I was very upset one night and B was kind enough to meet up with me and just sit in my car with me. As I was silently crying, she said, “I know you hate hearing this, but…everything will be okay.” I told her that’s all well and good, but the fact of the matter is that I am not okay right now, and I need to be.
I’m not sure what to do at the moment. I’ve already been feeling very depressed/anxious/poorly for months, and the extraneous events that have recently occurred only dug my hole deeper. This sounds extremely morbid but sometimes the biggest thing keeping me from acting on those toxic thoughts is the fact that I don’t really have a sure way out. And once I realize that, reason and logic intervene as well. I have a family that loves me (despite my issues with them/resentment toward them), friends who love me, and I should be happier.
But I’m mentally ill, so I’m not.