I’m having one of “those” days.
I woke up feeling quite depressed right off the bat and also agitated due to having only four hours of broken sleep. Not having my car adds to these feelings – I feel trapped on campus as I write this. I realized that whenever I don’t have my car, I end up sitting in the same spot on campus; outside the theater in building four, next to the surprisingly-clean bathroom that I spent a lot of time crying in last semester.
Last night my two friends, we’ll call them S and B, and I decided to go around and share one thing that “annoyed” us about the other (don’t ask how this got started). It ended up being more of expressing shared concerns rather than anything any of us truly being “annoyed”. B, my closest friend, whom I refer to as my “platonic soulmate”, told me how she wishes I would try harder and not give up so easily, specifically citing my notorious string of jobs I failed to stick with. I give up too easily. That’s true, and I agreed, saying that a lot of it comes from depression. Once I said that, I could feel my eyes growing wet and I shamefully turned away, muttering, “I’m sorry, it’s not you.”
S, who is hesitant to ever show affection, got up and wrapped her arms around me, then B did the same.
“I love you guys,” I told them. “It’s just been rough.”
We’re all struggling, each of us with our own separate internal and external issues. What it comes down to is we all want to see each other happy and successful. I know B really dislikes her job at this point, and I completely empathize with her feeling of dread when it comes to going to work. It’s awful. S wasn’t accepted into the graduate school of her choice and has to wait an entire year to reapply. I think we are at such a frustrating and terrifying age, and internal struggles just pile on top of everything else.
All in all, I felt incredibly grateful to have the friends that I do. Sometimes I think about where I’d be without them or what I’d do, and I can’t really fathom it.
I’m very complicated, and I’m so glad to have found other complicated people.