I really don’t know which is worse – debilitating anxiety or debilitating depressive episodes?
Last night I was hanging out with my brother. We did a little coke and then I fixed myself a drink. Everything was peachy. Halfway through my second drink, though, I had terrible heartburn (not uncommon for me) but was also very, very nauseous (thanks, Lithium), so I stopped drinking. I dozed off while we were watching Breaking Bad, then when the episode ended I got up to pee, then got settled back in to go to sleep. I was out for maybe twenty minutes when I woke up totally alarmed and panicked.
I didn’t know what to do. If I tried to listen to music, it made me more uncomfortable. I couldn’t even look at my phone so I knew turning on the TV wouldn’t help. I just laid there, trying and trying to fall asleep, doing deep breathing, but to no avail. I did consider waking my brother up (he asked me today why I didn’t) but I didn’t want to have to explain I was having a panic attack because that tends to make one panic more.
So for about four hours I was having a panic attack. I eventually got my heart rate and breathing slowed a bit, but I literally thought I was going to die or have a psychotic break and had to repeatedly remind myself it would pass, which was frustrating considering the insane length of time this panic attack took place in. I tossed and turned on the couch for hours, just desperately wanting to go to sleep. I made a note of how I was feeling at one point, since writing down how you feel usually helps me a bit when I’m panicking.
I’m panicking. I’m not entirely sure why. I need to stop what I’m doing, but Jesus, I just want to feel better. I can’t enjoy anything. I can’t even close my eyes. I just want to sleep. It feels like my skin is crawling and my chest is so tight and I might cry but it’s not coming. I feel like I’m going to die. But I’m not. I’m riding this out. I just wish it would end soon. It feels like it never will. Sleep would help me. God damn it. Sleep. Just need sleep. Please. Please. Please. Let it stop.
Now obviously doing cocaine is not a good choice for anyone, but I’ve never had this problem with it before. It also really bothers me that I couldn’t even finish two drinks because the side effect of nausea. I can live without cocaine, but alcohol…that’s overkill (the nausea will probably subside once I’m more adapted to the Lithium, but still). I think this panic attack was a combination of blow, booze, and stress, but what baffles me is why it happened so suddenly and out of nowhere, literally. One second I’m asleep and the next I’m having a full-blown panic attack. It’s really scary, and I feel helpless.
To add to this, I had a job interview at a doggy daycare place today (I LOVE animals and I’ve exhausted my search for doggy daycares – I REALLY want to work with animals, seriously). After answering a question about a specific time at work when I felt frustrated and what I did to fix it (I talked about a change in the computer system at one of my old jobs and how I like to get things right the first time though having someone around who can help you out is always a good thing because learning new things takes time) I was promptly told, “Based on that response, this isn’t the job for you”. Uh…okay? “This job isn’t for people who get frustrated easily”. Okay, point taken, except…don’t most people? Also, working with dogs is exponentially different than working with technology. The real killer was the very plain statement of, “I’m not going to hire you”. Okay, dude, thanks? Appreciate it.
It’s been a rough day. I’m doing all I can right now, but Jesus Christ, I just really want to be better.